...and it was in that moment...

Thursday, June 25, 2015

...her future was straight ahead. 

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You Can't Tell Someone They Love You

Thursday, June 18, 2015

I've had a beautiful, happy, and by all accounts charmed life from the moment I was born. I have never wanted for anything, and I have been blessed with incredible people and experiences in my life. 

Somehow though I found myself spending a lot of time striving to be happy... begging, clawing, fighting, for the things I thought I needed to be happy.

It was a perfect storm of a weakness inside myself mixed with some less than ideal circumstances. And in the midst of the pain and the confusion of it all I stopped trying.  I stopped trying to find ways to make someone love me, want me, choose me.


I focused on me, on my daughter, and my family, I did the hard work.

You know the kind...

...the raw, painful, re-opening of every wound kind of work. 

The kind where you openly invite and seek out others to toss their little piece of salt right on in. 

The cut wide open, exposed, let's get this shit figured out down to the last little bit of crap so that it never comes back again. And add in the realizations that come from all the hard work...

...it sucked. 

And I caught myself a few times...

And here. 


...I found some pretty amazing things out about myself along the way and found my independence which I now thrive on. I realized that I have everything within myself and I don't need to seek it out from another person or in another situation. 

I don't need anyone for my happiness. 

But on my goodness...

...good people with great intentions, who show up, are authentic, love me to bits, surprise the heck out of me every day, make me a priority, and make me laugh like a fool on a regular basis...

...certainly add to my happiness. 

Nope - you can't tell someone that they love you. But when someone tells you and - even more importantly - SHOWS you that they love you...

...it's kind of the best thing ever. 

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Letting Go With Grace

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

“And God demonstrated His love for us in this: that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us"
Romans 5:8

I can't imagine a world where we all walked around with our biggest mistakes, our greatest insecurities, and all of our many regrets in blazing red across our forehead. If words like...

"alcoholic" "abuser" "unloved" "cheater" "liar" "abandoned" "coward" "addict" "bulimic" "unwanted" "damaged"

...were permanently attached to us, for the world to see and judge. If that one thing you wanted to just move on from was chained to your ankle to be dragged along for the rest of your life. Maybe you could survive a life weighed down by your past but that is not living, not thriving. 


...let it go. 

And encourage anyone else holding you back or re-writing the label you have so carefully removed from your forehead to BACK THE HECK OFF let it go too. You are so much more than the scars of your past. Yes, the hurts may linger on and you may still see reflections of those moments that crushed you, and the people you left broken. And you will make mistakes, unwise decisions, fall back on insecurities, but you will know that is not who you are. Those moments are why it is so important to surround yourself with people who embrace the person that you are today and encourage your forward motion. People who look at you and see you as whole, healed, and happy - who will call you on falling back on an insecure belief about yourself, or falling in to an old bad habit - but will allow you the benefit of the doubt, the grace, to keep moving forward. 

When I get all into my head and start doubting that I deserve to be happy after all of the mistakes, regrets, and hurts I have felt and have caused... I am surrounded by people who call me out on my negative thinking, share with me the damage it is doing, and then take my hand and keep walking forward with me. At times they have walked behind me as I led the way, at times they've stood beside me and held me up, and sometimes they go in front and make the way smoother for me when I can't seem to see it for myself. 

But together, with grace, we move forward. 

Even if you made your own hell... You. Got. Though. It. 

So be done with it.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"
2 Corinthians 5:17

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She Wouldn't Let Me...

Monday, May 18, 2015

I was at the lowest point of my life when it caught my eye. 

And instantly, everything changed. 

It's amazing what we will allow for ourselves but would never even think to allow our children to consider enduring. We make excuses, sweep things under the rug, try to cake some pretty on top of a whole lot of ugly....

...while the core is just rotting away. 

But when you look at your child, and you honestly can say that you don't want them to grow up to be just like you...


...you absolutely have no other choice but to run like hell from that situation, choice, thing, relationship... whatever... that you would lay down your own life to protect them from. 

Addie has rocked my world on a number of occasions but on that particular night, after everything fell apart, and I was just about to fall apart right along with it...

...she wouldn't let me. 

And here we are - little bit rough around the edges but whole, happy, healthy, thriving, hopeful. And although I'd move heaven and earth to spare her from so many of my mistakes, shield her from the pain I have felt and hurt I have caused...

...I can honestly say I would be honored to be someone she looks up to and wants to be like when she grows up. Even though I have to admit I'm still striving to be more like her when I grow up. 

Princess PJs and all. 

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Chop Chop!

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Today Addie and I needed some girl time. And I needed to do the one thing I've been dreading... get Addie's hair cut. She has had the longest prettiest hair for so long...

...but it had become a battle to keep tangle free. So...

We got a big girl haircut just in time for summer and our upcoming trip to the beach! And, lucky for Mama, the hair salon was right next to Build A Bear ( please note the sarcasm ). Addie saw a giraffe, and signed giraffe, and signed please. So $40 later we built a freaking giraffe that she felt required a pink sparkly dress.
You can't say no to such great spontaneous expressive communication.

You just can't. 

To top off our big day we decided on Sweet Frog for dinner because well, why the heck not? And Addie decided she would impress me with her new self-feeding skills that I drive us to therapy and pay a pretty penny for every week... 

Apparently cake batter frozen yogurt with hot fudge, whipped cream, and vanilla wafers is a good motivator for the lovely fine motor/feeding issue debacle that is using utensils.

It was pretty awesome. 

It's so humbling that I get to be responsible for raising such an incredible little girl. Days like today just motivate me to do battle over anything the stands in our way. How one little girl can both completely drain me and fully recharge me at the same time I will never know. 

But she does, every single day. She challenges me, tests me, pushes every button... all while showing me the most genuine love, growing my understanding, and pushing me to be a better mom and a better person. 

I love this little girl with everything I have and I love this adventure we are on together with so many incredible people.  

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