I'm Not Who I Was

Thursday, January 22, 2015

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you some time ago
But I never got to tell you so...

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh

You know I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wondered if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

Thinkin' its a funny thing
Figured out I could sing
Now I'm not who I was
Write about love and such
Maybe cause I want it so much

I'm not who I was

I was thinkin' maybe I
Should let you know
That I am not the same
That I never did forget your name


And the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was.

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Thursday, January 15, 2015

Loving a little girl with Childhood Apraxia of Speech is bittersweet. 

It can break my heart and make it whole over and over again.

It's hearing the sounds and feeling joy then reading the research and feeling terrified. It's assistive technology that offers hope while breaking my spirit. It's reading the testing that tells me she understands and feeling so much pride, while reading the same testing that says she can't express what she knows and feeling defeated. 

The thing that absolutely crushes me is that Addie understands at a developmentally appropriate level, but can't express what she knows. Can you imagine? She is almost three and has shown she has the cognitive abilities of a typical three year old but she can only express herself at about the same ability as a 9-12 month old. 

Break. My. Heart.

Addie can identify six colors, tell you which items are bathroom or kitchen items, follow three step directions, etc. Because she can't express herself at an age appropriate level it can sometimes be assumed she doesn't have the ability to understand. The assumption my daughter isn't intelligent simply because she can't express her intelligence in a way the world wants her to, has time for, or is used to...

...I just want to scream.

And cry.

And eat chocolate.

So. Much. Chocolate.

Someone once told me it's not what you say, it's what you do. If you want to know and understand someone, if you want the truth, if you are looking for love...

...don't listen to words...

...watch and see what they do.

So many people use words in such horrible ways. To lie, belittle, hurt, and to manipulate. Words really have no meaning without the actions. While actions show us the truth, the real meaning, regardless of words.

I am thankful for the incredible speech therapists (she has 4 between private and county), absolutely amazing teachers, and the countless family and friends we share our days with who have taken the time to understand Addie. Who help me fight like hell to work with her on this journey and keep me focused on the positives.


I hope and I pray.

I drive to and pay for private therapy three times a week.

I sit at IEP meetings and consult with teachers.

I learn how to sign and use her AAC device.

I research and take her to specialist.

I do whatever it takes to give her the best possible opportunities to reach her potential.

For today, Addie can't call me Mama. She can't say "I love you" or let me know she missed me. She can't tell me if she is happy...

...but I don't need her to say any of those things...


...she shows me every day.

"Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need the bitter and the sweet, and that a life of nothing but sweetness rots both your teeth and your soul. Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through, what helps us earn the lines on our faces and the calluses on our hands. Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth and complexity. Bittersweet is courageous, gutsy, earthy." Shauna Niequist


2015 Is Mine

Thursday, January 8, 2015

This year I have one resolution. 


That every decision I make is my own. 


I have wasted a lot of time waiting on other people to make decisions so I could make mine. Reacting to the moves others make, putting my life on hold to see what will happen next. I have made excuses for the people in my life to treat me horribly, to hurt me, to put me down to raise themselves up, to use me.

I made myself believe I deserved all of it. 

I was convinced the pain I felt was simply retribution for choices I had made in my past. I caused hurt, I deserved hurt. The result was a constant state of anxiety and confusion over where my life stood and who I could trust. I could never put myself first or even fully be present in my own life...

...because I was waiting. 

So I am not waiting anymore. I am living
I will make choices based on my reality with the information I have right now. I will respond as information changes but always keep moving forward making my own choices for myself and my daughter. I am living. 

I am not settling ever again. I am worthy and deserving of every good thing. 
I am not the sum of my past mistakes. And I will not let people make me believe I am not worthy or deserving of happiness because of my past. I have been hurt, I have hurt. I am worthy and deserving of every good thing. 

I will not allow myself to be a second choice. I am the only choice. 
I will not hold on to anyone or anything that wants to go. I will never allow myself to be waiting on a line of options. I'm not settling. I am the only choice. 

If you want to be in my life I will gladly be part of that relationship and nurture it. 

If you don't...

...I'm not waiting...

...I'm not begging.

So, to the people who helped me to see that I need to live, that I am worthy and deserving, and that I absolutely am their only choice...

Last weekend I got to visit NYC for the first time! Times Square... so awesome! 

...here's to an incredible 2015! 

I think I am finally ready. 

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My Journey With Isagenix: Introduction

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Sharing my journey with you has been something that has sustained me through so much. Every time I click "publish" and know I have the opportunity to share a little bit of my heart, my life, with others I feel like the luckiest person in the world. 

Today I want to share with you something that has made a profound impact on both my life and Addie's too.

I have always tried to take care of myself because I've known it was not only best for me but essential for me to be a good mom to Addie. I struggled with this so much for the first few months after our mess. I could barely keep it together. So I did the best I could. We'd run out the door in the morning and I'd head to Starbucks. I lived on a combination of chocolate croissants, Chipotle, and bagels for months.

And soda. Lots of soda. 

I was so drained, stressed, and scattered. 

My health was suffering. Addie was suffering. I kept postponing appointments and scheduling therapy... 


...I even ran from the idea of sending her to public school because I knew how much work it would be for me. Paperwork, meetings, evaluations, etc...

...I couldn't even begin to add anything more. 

I did have a gym membership but I had NO energy to even get there by the time I picked Addie up from daycare. We'd hit the drive through or I'd wait until I finally had her in bed for the night to pop a bag of popcorn and grab a soda and call it "dinner". 

I thought I didn't have the time to make healthy choices. I thought I just had to "get by" as best I could within the new chaos that had become our life. 

I was so wrong. 

I took a leap and got involved with an incredible company, Isagenix, and everything has changed. I will say I use this system very differently and for different reasons (tell you more about that on Monday). And THAT is the beauty of Isagenix. This is not some "get skinny, rich, happy, healthy quick" gimmick. This is an incredible menu of options and resources from which to pick and choose how best to support the lifestyle you want. This is a lifestyle change with a full meal replacement that floods your body with nutrients through superfoods, is GMO and gluten free, and contain no artificial ingredients!

I started my journey the same way as many others, with The 30 Day Cleanse and Fat Burning System.

This system was an easy, low stress way for me to get started. I got to see what worked best for me and how I would use these products moving forward. The results you can achieve when following this program are absolutely incredible. I have seen those who have transformed their lives, bodies, health in just 30 days.

Yes, you CAN lose weight in a healthy way at an incredible rate with Isagenix. However, that wasn't what I was looking for. 

I was pretty darn happy with my body! I'm pretty slim but I wanted to be strong and tone my muscles I just had NO energy to do it! I was also adding unhealthy calories from eating most of my meals on the go and spending way too much money doing it too! 

While "playing" with the 30 Day System I formulated some goals for myself... 

1. Quick, healthy, substantial breakfast. 

2. More nutrition (fruits and veggies) in my diet. 

3. More energy to get to the gym. 

4. Less stress

After my first three weeks I noticed that my energy levels were not only higher, but they were consistent throughout the day. I was accomplishing so much more with the same time I had always had at my disposal. This meant I was able to get to the gym often, and it even gave me the confidence to try a new class, BodyPump, that has seriously changed my body. I could not have completed a 60 minutes strength workout of that intensity a month ago and here I was going 2-3 times a week! 

I started to add in other things to our life that I had always known were essential for Addie but had postponed because...well...

...when getting out of bed is hard getting to therapies and scheduling more and more appointments seems pretty damn impossible...

...so I can now get Addie and I up and out the door for 8:00am appointments in less than 20 minutes both with our Isagenix shakes (Addie likes them too!) in hand and a smile...

Of course my life is still stressful. But stressful events do not mean I have to react by becoming stressed. And now.. I don't! 


...my favorite change since using Isagenix...

...my skin is crystal clear. 

For the first time in 15 years I walk out of the door without a bit of makeup on.

Not. A. Bit. 

So within 30 days I hit every goal I had set for myself. More energy, less stress, and more nutrition all delivered in a quick and easy package for breakfast (or lunch, or dinner). I am stronger both mentally and physically because of Isagenix. And my skin is CLEAR! 

Heck Yea!!!

How could I not share this with you? 

On Monday I will show you what products I use and how I use them but I would love for you to take some time and check out my Isagenix Website and let me know what questions you might have. You can email me through the website, comment here, send me a comment or message on Facebook - whatever works best for you. 

I would love for you to join me on this journey of getting the best out of your life with a little help from Isagenix. This doesn't mean go order something...

...this means reach out, talk to me...

...lets work together to increase your understanding of Isagenix, knowledge of what your body needs, and make choices that will fuel your best life moving forward. 

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I Believe

Monday, December 29, 2014

I believe if I knew where I was going I’d lose my way

I believe that the words that he told you are not your grave

I know that we are not the weight of all our memories

I believe in the things that I am afraid to say

Hold on, hold on

I believe in the lost possibilities you can see 

And I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be

I know that your heart is still beating, beating, darling

I believe that you fell so you would land next to me

‘Cause I have been where you are before

And I have felt the pain of losing who you are 

And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday

And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way

I wish that you could see your scars turn into beauty

I believe that today it’s okay to be not okay

Hold on, hold on

‘Cause I have been where you are before

And I have felt the pain of losing who you are 

And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

by Christina Perri 

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